Welcome once again to your alternative Wine Review Blog, where pretentious people give true articulations to the pretentious feeling wine graces us with. Pinkies up, winos, here are the newest judgments drunken poet style:

ROUND 1

WINE 1: Meghan
Chan-en-Oeuf Rose, Pays D'Oc, $13

We said:
Joan Crawford.
Cider
Rhubarb
Like not making a yellow light
Pamplemousse
Scotch
Aunt Dorothy
Nacho temperer (?)
My little pony
Yes, Lisa's Aunt Dorothy.
Roses from a boy.

Fruit, flowers, a hint of plastic and a dash of grace: we like it!

Wine 2: Alla
Schloss Briebekt Sekh Sparkling Wine, Germany. $15

We said:
Sleep.
Better with gin.
Invisible.
Fake grownup.
Harrison Hot Springs
Library
Carpet
Panty remover
A stranger's wedding
Lemongrass
Saccharine
Johnson and Johnson baby shampoo

A little too sweet and without much to say, this sparkling wine reminds us of family events and trying to get drunk when nothing good is around. We didn't like it so much.

WINNER: MEGHAN! wooo ya!

ROUND 2

Wine 1: Julie
St HUbertus Chasselas, Okanagan Valley, $16

We said:

Dilute.
Dandelion.
Cartoon cheese wheel.
Foam (like a foam)
Higgins (Magnum PI)
Cellophane
Getting punched by someone kind of hot
Claude Debussy's
old herbs
seawater without the salt and guck
velveeta

Not too strong of a flavour here and a distinct note of cheese, we didn't hate it, but we didn't love it either.

WINE 2: Kyle and Lisa
Jackson Triggs Chardonnay, Niagara $13

We said:

Filtered water
Ropes on a sailboat
metal gates--cattle guards
D-Cup 9
Marlena Dietrich on Tuxedo (?)
Carnations
bees knees
warm like fur
bumblebee
unapologetically surly
Audi
Kind of bitter, like a poet
Dead bunnies

Something of a confusing wine, bringing up thoughts of breasts, gates, bitterness and especially bees--we liked it, at least more than Julie's wine.

WINNER: KYLE AND LISA!!

ROUND 3

WINE 1: Brendan
Copper Moon Sauvignon Blanc Okanagan Valley $8.95

We said:

Fragrant and soft
Nectarine
meh
the guilt you feel when you don't know how old a girl is
No woman no cry
tires
beige
Sunlight through eyelit curtains
Nothing to prove
pop rocks
tweener slumber party
sleepy rocking chair
parcheesi
potato salad on labour day
sparklers
warm shivers
kiss from a baby nephew

This wine was seriously easy drinking--so easy, in fact, we felt a little uneasy, like the work and toil of life would return the moment we put the wine down. So keep drinking, it's only $8.95.

WINE 2: Greg
Quail's Gate [white, no grape noted--I suspect the chasselas blend] $16

We said:

Bubble bath
God is black
Mumbrable
Nazi party
Like RC's backwash
very tart
lost in the world
low self esteem
delerious
Lik-M-Aid (remember that stuff? With the candy stick and the powder?)
ABBA
rotting soap
sweet tarts
green onion
Saskatchewan

Something a little too tart and somehow intense and boring at the same time (Saskatchewan?) we didn't like this one very much.

WINE 2: Kaelyn
Gazela Vino Verde from Spain $11

We said:

Kicked in the vagina
Stroked in the vagina
pineapple vagina
7up
Robert Redford's Snowman
Jem and the Holograms' World Tour
The techno of Wino
half inflated baloon
ragtime
koolaid failing a drug test
Monogamy
a forgotten brilliant idea
pineapple just a bit off
the cougar's boudoir
fresh and acidic

This one made us think many things, especially about vaginas. Something a little different, a little sweet, not too alcoholic and with a heavy dose of pineapple, we liked it.

KAELYN WINS!

ROUND 4

WINE 1: Sean
Wyndham Estate Bin 222 Chardonnay $19

We said:

A $299 cruise
cowboy hat
"it made my tongue numb"
flaccid
Candice Bergen
Teenager coming out as fruity
a chicken's cock
white
I was like...not good.
Dove soap
tumeric
a used hockey glove
yeast infection
vomitracious
very small fruit
shampoo

Come on guys, getting a little gross here. This one we had a bodily reaction to. We did not like it.

WINE 2: Rob
Argiolas S'elegas, Italy (np)

We said:

Feta
Angst in Yaletown
9.6 volts
Rice wine
Clear but too sharp
Chris Gilpin's donair
the person you think of when you come
pretend to like it
blow up mattress
neatly trimmed beard
chardonnay hates Julie
blackberry bushes

Apparently we felt like we should like this one, but we really didn't. Still..

Rob wins!

ROUND 5

WINE 1: Karen
Copper Moon Sauvignon Blanc Okanagan valley $8.95 The same one Brendan brought!

We said:

Potpourri
Satsuma
clementine
Take it home to see if the dog will lick it
ex wife
puppy love

We liked it!

WINE 2: Kyle and Lisa Part Deux
Copper Moon Chardonnay, Okanagan $8.95

We said:

Bottle rocket
east German shepherd
saxophone made out of driftwood
stealthy deepthroat
tangerine
miniature pony
innocent purple
campino candy
play school
something to be proud of

This one we especially liked. Kyle and Lisa win!


AT LAST: ONTO THE REDS!

ROUND 1

WINE 1: Chris
Copper Moon Cabernet Sauvignon $8.99

We said:
Leather raspberried and licorice
smooth and sour
retro rolls royce
breasts
chocolate peso
razorblades
black man/suit/hat
fresh water up the nose
kalamata olives
tequila
swingset
chocolate and roses

We liked this one just fine. Getting pretty drunk by this time though. Never have a Winos with 25 people. It's bad news.

Wine 2: Jim McKnight
La Posta Bonarda Argentina $18.99

We said:
Like Yellowtail Shiraz
smoking room
rotted sausage
herpes simplex 3
dead salmon
killer
Cary Grant
aged
smoke
bruising
chestnut
overpowering leather
your favourite leather jacket
De Niro


There was something familiar and cozy about this wine, which had a nice punch. We liked that about it. Jim WINS!

ROUND 2:

WINE 1: Fernando
Naked Grape Okanagan Shiraz $8.95

We said:

Caramel
Smells like a post-sex room
first year university sex (not much technique)
first kiss gimmick
plaid shirt
ass candy/candy ass
real fruit gummies
prison break without condoms

Well, there was something sexy about this wine, but apparently not in a good way. But not in a bad way either.

WINE 2: Patty
Cedar Creek Pinot Noir Okanagan $17.00

We said:

Flirting with the mirror
David Bowie's codpiece from Labyrinth
Bug dope (bug spray)
Battery acid
very bad sex
abandoned tire
Velveteen rabbit
slipping around a corner
Hated by all.

Well, we didn't love Fernando's wine, but we HATED this one. Between bad sex and really bad sex, Fernando WINS!


Another successfully drunken night of winos, and we hope this helps!